It wasn’t for me

Negatives

I love movies. I grew up loving movies. My day to day always includes the question “what are we gonna watch tonight” - and not as a bad thing. Not an addiction, not a time waster, as an investment in something that engages and transports and also relaxes or challenges. I love movies. And tv, and gaming, and books. Storytelling in general, it’s all for me.

So with that as your value-set, with that as the thing that is a significant point of significance to your day, your interest, your focus, your conversations and relationships, one of the most upsetting things is to finish something and be left with a sour taste in your mouth. It’s worse when it’s in a genre, or a specific artist’s portfolio, or a franchise that you are ardently passionate about.  What a disappointment. What a letdown on what feels like a personal level.

What I also don’t love, is the very human, very natural, very immediate response most people, myself included, seem predisposed to go to:

I must tell everyone how much I hated that as quickly as I can.

I have been there. I have left the rolling of credits on a movie or a show I was excited for with that bitter burning at the base of my skull and only one thought on my mind: I hated that.

I will say, personally, it does take a lot for me to hate something. My general attitude and perspective tends to be less toward putting my expectations of what I want to see on a thing and more honed in on going to see what has been done. But sometimes, on a hand-full of occasions, what has been done has been so far beyond the threshold of my ability to enjoy that all I experienced was hate for the experience altogether.

I’m not talking about “so bad it’s good” - which is its own thing - I’m talking about something that, as I experienced it, was impossible to find good in.

I can think of my top (or I suppose bottom) three movies that I hated like no other, but I’m not going to tell you what they were. I can think of plenty of others that were just disappointing, but I’m not going to tell you what they were. I can think of plenty that fall into the “so bad it’s good” or “watch for a laugh” category. But I’m not going to tell you what they were.

Because what if you liked it?

Or worse, what if you loved it?

And I don’t mean I think your liking it is bad and your loving it is worse. All badness, all negativity, all disappointment in that thing belongs to me. That was my experience. But clearly, it wasn’t yours. If you liked it, and I put that negativity on it, I have suddenly sullied your enjoyment of that thing. Worse, if you loved it, I have directed hate into a space where, for you, only love has existed.

Is this silly? We’re talking about entertainment media, right? Maybe a little. A bit melodramatic, sure. But the way we talk to each other about one thing carries into everything we talk about. And if art is a reflection of the human condition, then so is the way we talk about it.

What we have on the internet, and spilling now into in-person interactions, are groups of people bound together by their hate of a thing, yelling as loud as they can at the groups of people who love that thing. Yelling about all the reasons they are smarter than them for hating it. All the reasons it should be hated, all the reasons loving it is an indication of lesser intelligence or even value as a person. This is not dramatic. This is not an exaggeration. This is a thing death threats are being sent over. For movies. For books. For video games. How much more so does this kind of vitriol bleed into something like politics, religion, or any of the other things that’ll raise the collective blood pressure at the family gathering this holiday season.

Hate is many things: a virus, a wildfire, a poison.

The thing those all have in common is the way they spread, and the aftermath.

And so I am proposing a new way of talking, some fireproofing to our conversations:

“It wasn’t for me.”

Art is subjective, which means you cannot say something is objectively bad. You can believe passionately that something did not meet the standards to which you held it, but that’s just like your opinion man. Getting down deep into all the reasons you hated something is only going to spread that hate and build up the barrier barring better communication.

So instead, when I didn’t like something, my new practice will be to simply say “yeah it wasn’t for me.” Because it may be for you. And if it was, please, tell me everything. Tell me every reason it was for you. If I keep my mouth shut, I can’t fill the air with all my reasons not to love it, and you might just break through and change my perspective.

In the discourse and debating of loving and hating, love is the better outcome.

So I have no reason to try to convince you to hate something. What good would that do anybody? But you, you have every reason to convince me to love something. What harm could that do?

At worst, my mind is unchanged.

At best, you’ve given me the chance to experience a joy I missed the first time around.

That should be the goal.

So go enjoy something.

Then tell me what you’re enjoying.